There is always a little bit of panic, a bit of sad and a bit of fear, mixed together with happiness on Mothers Day. I panic because I do not know how to be, who to be or what to be. The first year I was a mom, I was lonely. I watched all the moms out there with their babies, and I was sad. I pretend to be happy but I was really sad. My baby was not with me anymore, but she was still mine. I was still a mom, but I was not really a mother. I had no one to mother. From there on it got better, I was pregnant the next year and the year after that I had someone I could be a mom too. Now there is happiness but also always mixed in with a bit of sadness. I have learned how to balance these feelings. I have learned how to be happy and sad at the same time. I have learned how to be in the present and in the past in the very same moment. I remember her everyday of my life. She never really leaves my mind. This is why I fear. I fear that these moments will change. The moments of happy and sad. The moments of yesterday and today. I am familiar with these moments. I am attached to these moments, and I pray everyday that I will have these familiar situation with me until the day I die. Because feeling the sadness, means I remember, and feeling the happiness, means I still have my two other babies with me. I am not broken anymore. I am just a bit happy and a bit sad. And I am content with that.