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Mothers day

mothers dayThere is always a little bit of panic, a bit of sad and a bit of fear, mixed together with happiness on Mothers Day.  I panic because I do not know how to be, who to be or what to be.  The first year I was a mom, I was lonely.  I watched all the moms out there with their babies, and I was sad.  I pretend to be happy but I was really sad.  My baby was not with me anymore, but she was still mine.  I was still a mom, but I was not really a mother.  I had no one to mother.  From there on it got better, I was pregnant the next year and the year after that I had someone I could be a mom too.  Now there is happiness but also always mixed in with a bit of sadness.  I have learned how to balance these feelings.  I have learned how to be happy and sad at the same time.  I have learned how to be in the present and in the past in the very same moment.  I remember her  everyday of my life.  She never really leaves my mind.  This is why I fear.  I fear that these moments will change.  The moments of happy and sad.  The moments of yesterday and today.  I am familiar with these moments.  I am attached to these moments, and I pray everyday that I will have these familiar situation with me until the day I die.  Because feeling the sadness, means I remember, and feeling the happiness, means I still have my two other babies with me.  I am not broken anymore.  I am just a bit happy and a bit sad.  And I am content with that.

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