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Fears of a changing life | Moments that matter

When did they get so big?  How did they grow up under my nose?  Hannah is starting Big School orientation this week, and Bradley is a year behind her.  We talk about important things, like how your teeth will start to fall out when you are going to big school, which was a bit of a shock to her.  Lucky she is going to the dentist she said.  Bradley is starting to negotiate his case. “Only four books” he says at bedtime, holding 2 fingers up.  So  big and yet so little.  And the littleness scares me.  I often wonder how they will remember me, if I am suddenly not there anymore.  Will they remember me?  How would they be?  They love playing with their daddy, but when they are sad or alone or afraid, they need me.

I fear that a new baby will affect their relationship with each other.  They are really best friends.  They look after each other, and I never want that to change.  I do not want one of them to feel left out.  It has always been just them.  The two of them together is all that they can remember.  From day dot, they were in love.

A new baby brings so much fear, and when you have two little humans, who are excited, the fear is so much bigger.  They often tell me that they love me and then they cuddle my tummy and say, they love the baby.  We are all excited to have a new baby sister, although Bradley still tells me regularly he wishes that it is a boy.  I cant loose this.  I cannot stand that they may loose it.

I have fears that are sometimes to hard to speak out loud.  About loosing another baby.  I mean, when does your luck run out?  I had two healthy kids, back to back.  Were we greedy?  Or just brave?  I fear dying during childbirth.  Are these fears unrealistic or is it legitimate possibilities that goes with having another baby?  Then there is the fear of it all ending. Having this baby is closure.  Closure and acceptance that I will never have the amount of kids that I have birthed. Closure to see and hold one last new born baby, and to see how small and helpless they are.   Closure that I will leave the hospital for the very last time with all the kids that were trusted in my arms.  Closure, on, once upon a time I had left without one, empty handed. Closure, so that we can move on. These are big emotions.  I am very aware that, every time I hold a new baby in my arms,  the grief for loosing one once, will return.  Having a new baby is bringing back emotions that are deep in my heart.  It is heartbreaking and yet healing.  This is my last chance to heal.  This is my last chance to move forward.  When we leave the hospital this will be us.  This will be our family.  Complete.  Different, but complete.

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