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When did they get so big?  How did they grow up under my nose?  Hannah is starting Big School orientation this week, and Bradley is a year behind her.  We talk about important things, like how your teeth will start to fall out when you are going to big school, which was a bit of a shock to her.  Lucky she is going to the dentist she said.  Bradley is starting to negotiate his case. “Only four books” he says at bedtime, holding 2 fingers up.  So  big and yet so little.  And the littleness scares me.  I often wonder how they will remember me, if I am suddenly not there anymore.  Will they remember me?  How would they be?  They love playing with their daddy, but when they are sad or alone or afraid, they need me.

I fear that a new baby will affect their relationship with each other.  They are really best friends.  They look after each other, and I never want that to change.  I do not want one of them to feel left out.  It has always been just them.  The two of them together is all that they can remember.  From day dot, they were in love.

A new baby brings so much fear, and when you have two little humans, who are excited, the fear is so much bigger.  They often tell me that they love me and then they cuddle my tummy and say, they love the baby.  We are all excited to have a new baby sister, although Bradley still tells me regularly he wishes that it is a boy.  I cant loose this.  I cannot stand that they may loose it.

I have fears that are sometimes to hard to speak out loud.  About loosing another baby.  I mean, when does your luck run out?  I had two healthy kids, back to back.  Were we greedy?  Or just brave?  I fear dying during childbirth.  Are these fears unrealistic or is it legitimate possibilities that goes with having another baby?  Then there is the fear of it all ending. Having this baby is closure.  Closure and acceptance that I will never have the amount of kids that I have birthed. Closure to see and hold one last new born baby, and to see how small and helpless they are.   Closure that I will leave the hospital for the very last time with all the kids that were trusted in my arms.  Closure, on, once upon a time I had left without one, empty handed. Closure, so that we can move on. These are big emotions.  I am very aware that, every time I hold a new baby in my arms,  the grief for loosing one once, will return.  Having a new baby is bringing back emotions that are deep in my heart.  It is heartbreaking and yet healing.  This is my last chance to heal.  This is my last chance to move forward.  When we leave the hospital this will be us.  This will be our family.  Complete.  Different, but complete.

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  • July 20, 2017 - 10:18 am

    Polly - My gosh the acknowledgement of your kids growing up really resinated with me. My youngest started big school this year and I found it incredibly hard to let go of him as he became a big boy at big school.
    Your fears are so raw and real but it will be ok, you will be fine and your kids will only benefit from another sibling. Although I can completely relate to your concerns for them. I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my second.
    These images are beautiful and to me, show their completely un-aware of your concerns and just enjoying the life you have created for them. xxReplyCancel

    • July 20, 2017 - 11:01 am

      Little Forest - Thank you Polly. I sometimes look at these pictures, and think that their life use to be this all the time. I think the last few months of me being pregnant has taken so much from them, as I just cannot keep up at this stage. I hope I can give them a great childhood again when all this is over and I can move like a person again 🙂ReplyCancel

It is winter and wet and not really that cold, but cold enough to say it is winter.  We are operating on Code Red at this stage.  I am not doing pregnancy well.  It is hard work.  I have one mission.  To get my family through this unscarred.  I am greatfull that it is winter and that life is busy. That way I do not feel to bad that we hardly get any beach time these days.  I cannot trust myself to keep them safe when the whole ocean is there to swallow them.  We do fun stuff at home, which by now, by the way, is a maze of toys and other random stuff.  They build tunnels, out of old boxes, to each others rooms.  Hannah moved into Bradley’s room, with all her favourite stuff, and Bradley joined in and moved to her room, and the result is caos.  We do art, we sew, we bake.  When it gets to much, I let them bath for as long as they want to.  It keeps their busy minds occupied and it gives my body a rest.

This is a very great full time for us.  We are cherishing every moment with our growing baby.  We wait patiently, and we all do what we can to keep this baby safe.  We are OK, and moments like these, give us new breath to take another step.  To march on.  To cherish life.

This is a blog circle.  Please click on this link to view what Janine was up to this month.

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  • June 22, 2017 - 10:49 am

    Lauren - I love the steam in the light, beautiful.ReplyCancel

  • June 22, 2017 - 11:40 am

    Polly - I love these. The steam and the light and that rain on the window! Amazing!ReplyCancel

    • June 23, 2017 - 1:56 pm

      Little Forest - Thank you Polly. The water on the window is actually just the water from the bath they’ve splashed 🙂ReplyCancel

  • June 22, 2017 - 7:55 pm

    Janine - Gorgeous as always. Love the light and the steam. Just stunning.ReplyCancel

  • June 22, 2017 - 9:42 pm

    Moments That Matter {June} | Family Photography Melbourne - […] This is a monthly blog circle – check out what matters to Juanita this month […]ReplyCancel

  • June 22, 2017 - 9:50 pm

    Yana Klein - I love these! I hope you are feeling better soon xReplyCancel

I will pour the water down upon a thirsty barron land
And streams will flow
From the dust of your bruised and broken soul
And you will grow like the grass
Upon the fertile plains of Asia by the streams
Of living water you will grow
Oh.. you will grow  …… Daniel Beddingfield

About six and a bit years ago, I belief that this promise was made to me.  How it came about is a whole different story.  But you see, I belief in God.  My daughter died, and I did not understand why.  The night before her heart stopped, I prayed:  “God I do not understand, but I trust your hand in this.  It was a tough pill to swallow but throughout this time I was held.  I was taken care of.  I never understood the words of this song.  It was just a nice tune, until then.  The words began to have meaning.

I still often sing this as I smile and see my life being blessed in so many ways.  It is not all happy moments, but I had a life lesson that broke my heart and I am stronger because of it.  In the last year we have lost two more babies, one of them a baby boy and the other one’s sex is unknown.  We have lost, but something in my heart was always preparing me for this.  Something told me every time that this is going to happen and it is going to be ok.  That I am going to be ok.

Right now I am OK.  We were yet again blessed with another baby.  We still have a way to go before we will be holding this baby in our arms, but we still have hope  that this will all go well. Knowing that we were the 1% once, makes us one of the 1 % forever, but we take it one day at a time and every day that goes by is a blessing, a promise fullfilled, and we say thank you every night for what we were given already……almost five years of parenthood and looking at these little faces every day.

This is a blog circle.  Please click on this link  to see what all my photography friends are doing

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  • May 25, 2017 - 2:27 pm

    Justine Curran - Ohh my gosh Juanita, I had no idea it was more than one baby. I am hoping and praying that this is a wonderful and blissful pregnancy for you. You all have been through so much, my heart just breaks for you xxxxReplyCancel

  • May 25, 2017 - 5:15 pm

    Chloe - Absolutely gorgeous. So often we see the happy smiling faces of children and yet we know so little of the Mother’s journey to the moment when they hold those children in their arms. Sending you so much love and strength and wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy. My fingers are crossed and prayers will be said for you xxReplyCancel

  • May 25, 2017 - 7:50 pm

    Tara - Oh Juanita, my heart absolutely breaks for you and at the same time I’m so hopeful too. Your children have such joy and innocence and I love how you have turned a small moment into a little pocket of happiness.ReplyCancel

  • May 25, 2017 - 8:35 pm

    Kelly - Oh thank you for sharing your story, your pain & your joy Juanita, I’m so sorry for your losses… And so very happy for your news. Congrats & wishing you well. Oh & those cheeky monkeys in the photos, gorgeous moments captured.ReplyCancel

  • May 25, 2017 - 8:53 pm

    Yana Klein - i am so sorry Juanita! i hope there is no more heartbreak for you <3ReplyCancel

We have been out of action for a little while with the camera, but during the weekend we went driving and fishing on the beach and while my husband was fishing, Bradley was sleeping and Hannah was building a sand castle I was sitting in the shade of the car and taking some random photos of her.  I cannot belief how much she has grown.  She went to sleep one night and woke up a number bigger.  It is her last year of being a pre-schooler and I am so grateful for this extra year we have.  My wild child is calming down and is acting very mature for a almost 5 year old at times, and them other times she is just the little girl that she is.  I want to soak it all up.  Enjoy her periods of wild and her moments of calm.  She is so special to me, and my heart always belonged to her.  Even before her birth.  She healed my heart in so many ways.  My little girl.
This is a blog circle.  Please click onto Polly’s website here to view her moments that matter

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  • April 27, 2017 - 11:12 am

    Lauren - Beautiful work 🙂 Always good to regroup and try to capture all the little features before they change too quickly.ReplyCancel

  • April 27, 2017 - 5:32 pm

    Polly - These are really lovely Juanita. I love the movement and the colours.ReplyCancel

  • April 27, 2017 - 8:50 pm

    Rachel - Beautifully captured <3ReplyCancel

  • April 29, 2017 - 8:04 pm

    Chloe - Stunning, so many treasured details. I love her little expressions too xxReplyCancel

  • May 2, 2017 - 6:43 am

    Justine Curran - oh my gosh yes soak it all up. My Abby kid growing so fast, she does not fit in my lap anymore and is almost the same size as me 😭ReplyCancel

  • May 7, 2017 - 11:54 am

    Yana Klein - Beautiful treasured memories captured Juanita xReplyCancel